This is why men don’t come to this apartment. Because our gaseous emissions create a force field, a BARRIER if you will, that they cannot penetrate.
Name Game, eh?
- Allie: You know what I noticed about America and Canada? In America, most "Michaels" refer to themselves as "Michael". But in Canada, all "Michaels" are "Mikes".
- Michele: Interesting. Are most "Richards" Dicks?
- Allie: In my experience, yeah...most of them are.
We improve our looks, not our minds, because we know boys are stupid, not blind.
No Sex Thank You....Just TMJ Please...
- (Convo began talking about someone I dated...)
- me: It was crazy. We had soooooo much in common
- Jessica: le sigh
- so so weird
- your jaw must have dropped to the floor quite often
- me: yes...regularly. I think I developed TMJ
- Jessica: that what she said
- me: I almost had sex last night btw....and I stopped it
- Jessica: oooh with who
- me: cuz I'm an asshole
- Jessica: what! yes
- me: lol!!
- Jessica: yes i would agree with that statement
- me: I was thinking with my loins....not with my brain. Now I know how men feel...
- Jessica: who was it? And sometimes you just need to tell you brain to fuck off btw
- me: that guy that pops up every so often...the one who promotes the comedy clubs
- Jessica: aaah...he has a big one doesn't he. Haha! Can't believe i just asked that...
- me: he doesn't actually!! I was so surprised!
- Jessica: Damn. So why did you stop it?
- me: Not that he was small. I wasn't too sure at the time. Cuz normally when something like this has happened....the Universe steps in and says NO....and has the person pass out....or someone gets sick suddenly...or a mythical creature enters and destroys the living room....etc. Something ridiculous always happens so that way there's no way anything can happen. But nothing happened this time. It was like I was waiting for it. And since a Sphinx didnt come strolling into the room to say "Hey! Cut that shit out!"....I stopped it out of habbit
- But in hindsight....I think I might be doing the ole, "WTF was I thinking!" speech this morning if I had. Mercury Retrograde makes you think/do/say crazy things
- Also...he got me at my most horniest...a week after my period...
- I would try and hump a gay man right now. So that didn't help anything
- Jessica: so was he disappointed
- me: of course he was. He's Irish and a man. His face was blue...among other things...
- Jessica: lol
- me: btw....this old grey mare just aint what she used to be...lemme tell ya
- the inside of my thighs are killing me
- Jessica: haha
- me: if I think there's a potential sexapade in the future...I'm going to excuse myself and stretch for at least 15 minutes beforehand
- Jessica: well, do you regret it? Not doing it?
- me: Not really. Which I think is a good sign. My lady parts however refuse to talk to me today...
- Jessica: then no harm no foul. Although next time you hang with him, if there is a next time, he's probably not going to let it escalate. Unless you come down with a case of TMJ
- me: that was like a perfect end to a vaudville skit. I fill like we should do a jig with our canes and top hats...
Polygamy…Isn’t it hard enough when one wife hates your dumb ass?
Nimitz, I just have to face facts that you’re the only man in my life…..and….you’re….running away from me. Fabulous. Just like every other man in my life. And now I’m going to follow you into the kitchen. So I’m CHASING after you. What a wonderful euphemisim.
In honor of…
Boys are fucking stupid! Testosterone is poison. I’ve always said this.
Testosterone and video games at it’s best. Santi bustin Ant’s balls. Classic.
A Rant We Deserve
Ok. That’s enough.
I obviously speak for myself, but I would like to think I speak om behalf of my sisters as well….
This is some Grade A…top of the line Bullshit.
And although this particular rant is about men, I’m sure this can be directed to significant others of both genders. I’m just gonna bash on the penis owners at this time. So bare with me.
What’s with the men??
Idiots? Of course.
The list is endless.
And I’m sure they have a long list of WTF for us as well.
But that’s just the point: It’s both sides.
I refuse to believe anymore that our frustrating situations with the men in our lives are lessons to be learned, carried over from past lives, because WE didn’t get shit right the first, second, and eighth time.
This is a 2 way street buddy.
As my friend in my head, Kelly Clarkson would say:
“I know that I’ve got issues, but you’re pretty messed up too.”
Right on sister. You’re my American Idol for that line alone.
I am messed up. I can think of a couple of things; ::deep breath in::
- I have serious Daddy issues (aka Abandonment issues)
- I over analyze EVERYTHING. (I’m a Pisces. Hello?)
- I can be a pessimist (“He didn’t call me today. He said he was definitely gonna call me! Oh God. A Moose ate him…”)
- I get “Mommy” syndrome (wants to nuture and take care of EVERYTHING, which causes dependency).
- Not enough confidence in myself.
- I’m a cronic procrastinator. (funny how I left that one for last…)
I know there’s WAY more stuff…but you get the picture.
I have to work on me, so I can be ok with just ME.
I think we’ve had it wrong all this time. I don’t think we’re supposed to find our other halves.
I think we’re supposed to be FULL, complete beings all on our own.
And when we get to that point of happiness, pride, and acceptance with ourselves, the Universe rewards us with another FULL being, not to fill in a void, or complete a puzzle, but to enhance and accelerate our spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth.
But most of all, the Universe gives us this person, so we can feel the most amazing, breath-taking, mind-blowing, astonishing, bewildering amount of LOVE, you could laugh and cry at the same time for months at a time.
Because the Universe is Love. And I believe that the Powers that Be genuinely want us to have this…..but they also what us to be absolutely ready for it. BOTH parties. They want us to be able to HANDLE it.
And I do think we have multiple soulmates….but I do believe in that one True LOVE that was made along side with us at the beginning of time. And our soulmates are blessings wrapped in lessons, to build us up to our full capability to handle our True Loves at whatever time we are ready for them, and they for us.
You ever notice when you go out lookin dappa…..make-up is just right, hair is perfect, outfit is awesome, you don’t seem to get the exact reactions that you were hoping for? Or no one really notices?
BUT….when you look like utter shit, and your on the train one day to work, or walking from your appartment to the store, with no make-up, hair clipped up, “whatever” outfit, you’re gettin cat called and hit on left and right!!
WTF?!? Are you kidding me??
When this happens….I don’t feel flattered. I wanna punch them in their tonsils.
How DARE you not notice me!!!…. when I’m covered in MAC products, wearing a bra that makes my boobies look 2 sizes bigger then they really are, enough hair spray and gel to hold Bob Barker together, and shoes that could be confused with stilts….
You have the gaul to be interested and attracted to me when I’m au naturel??!!! When I don’t care?!?!?!
Love me as a clown goddamnit.
Gods we’re stupid. Aren’t we?
But there’s the answer!! The moral of the story!
You need to not give a shit.
And that’s not fair.
Why can’t I have what I want when I’m feeling this way?? When I care SO much??
Why do I have to not give a fuck, in order for that someone to give a fuck about me??
I think we need Ms. Aguilera up in here right quick:
“Say if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours. And that’s how you know…It’s for keeps, yeah, it’s for sure…”
And that’s what I have to do.
And unfortunately…that’s the hardest part.
But I can take comfort in knowing that I’ve been through worse and now I’m not alone.
And Pisces Twin is right:
We need to put out to the Universe exactly what we want and, most importantly, what we deserve.
You know what….I’ll give you a lil taste of what we deserve. Just a SMIGGEN!:
- We deserve someone who will be all for taking care of EACH OTHER, financially, physically, etc.
- We deserve someone who is smart (book smart, yes, but has a healthy helping of common sense) but realizes that we are constantly learning in life and loves to learn from each other.
- We deserve “our type“…along with the stuffing, cranberry sauce, and all the trimmings
- We deserve someone who our friends and family LIKE and enjoy…
But most of all….
We deserve someone who will just lie on the grass with us, look us in our eyes with such longing and compassion whilst they caress our face and tell us how much they love us (and they actually MEAN IT) and how beautiful we are and how they will never leave us or hurt us intentionally (shit happens), because they recognize the Goddesses that we are and could not bear to lose such a precious gift.
We DESERVE that. (Or your version of that. Everyone is different. So that lil senerio there might not be your particular flavor of Kool-Aid)
To let go? …Or NOT to let go? That is the question.
Whether we wait for them to WAKE the FUCK UP and see what’s been there the whole time… or open ourselves up to possibly receiving something better…
That is entirely up to us.
I don’t wanna wait anymore.
I don’t feel I should have to.
I’m done waiting.
I’ll clean up my mess.
And you clean up yours.
Maybe we’ll meet in the middle one day to use the dust bin and finally hang up our brooms. Maybe we wont.
But in the meantime….
Go get that tan, take that trip, make that audition, read those books, take those classes, tap that ass, run that marathon, kiss that dude, buy that house, lose that weight, kiss that chick, drink that shot, write that novel, save those lives, design that dress, play that song, and dance…
…for you. Just for you.
Cuz you deserve that.
And so do they.